I Love Words. And I Am Loved by Words.

SAYA PINDAH.

Tue, 11 Dec 2012 22:20:00 +0700

Ngomongnya capslock gitu seakan-akan lagi marah. Tapi serius. Karena saya pengen dikomentarin (dan susah untuk mengomentari tulisan di blog ini), saya buka blog baru di http://kaveling58.blogspot.com. Saya akan meninggalkan blog ini kecuali blogspot bangkrut dan saya harus pulang balik kesini (yeah right). Terima kasih sudah mengikuti saya selama di sini. Kalian akan bisa tetap bareng saya. Bookmark aja blog baru itu :)

Sampai ketemu di rumah baru saya! Lagi mau syukuran pindahan nih, main-main ya!

Bagaimana cara kamu memantain mood menulis? Apa yang kamu pikirkan saat ingin menerbitkan buku pertama kali? Thanks

Tue, 11 Dec 2012 22:17:39 +0700

Banyak baca dan banyak menganalisis pengalaman sendiri. Karena dua hal itu sumber utama tulisanku. Waktu mau nerbitin, aku cuma mikir, “Aku pengen tulisan ini sampai ke orang, karena aku pikir ini penting!”. Pretensius, tapi kayaknya perasaan seperti itu yang mendorong untuk menulis dan diterbitkan. Perasaan ingin berbagi dengan orang. Ya kan?

How do you manage your time to write thesis and novel? Give me idea! x)

Tue, 11 Dec 2012 22:16:22 +0700

I didn’t really write novel much when I wrote my thesis tho, although I managed to finish my novel in really short time because I didn’t want it to bother my thesis writing. I think it’s just management of time. Make sure you got enough time to write your thesis, and spend some time to write your novel. Be sure to have fun when you write tho, so it can count as a recreational break after working hard for thesis. Right? Good luck!

Kangen baca tulisan kakak :") Kak sampe skarang saya belum nemu buku kakak yang "Karena Kita Tidak Kenal" lhoo :( Tetap rajin ngepost disini ya kak :D Tulisan kakak sering menginspirasi saya :))

Tue, 11 Dec 2012 22:14:47 +0700

Haha thanks :) Itu buku emang susah dicari. Btw, saya pindah blog. Ini blog baru saya http://kaveling58.blogspot.com. Biar lebih mudah dikomentari :)

Sukses nulis terus ya!

takeyoudeeper: Breakfast with jacksgap ;) My favorite twins on...

Sun, 25 Nov 2012 18:28:07 +0700

takeyoudeeper:

Breakfast with jacksgap ;)

My favorite twins on earth.

"‎”I was in the winter of my life, and the men I met along the road were my only summer. At night I..."

Fri, 23 Nov 2012 22:49:59 +0700

“‎”I was in the winter of my life, and the men I met along the road were my only summer. At night I fell asleep with visions of myself dancing and laughing and crying with them. Three years down the line of being on an endless world tour & my memories of them were the only real happy times. I was a singer, not a very popular one, who once had dreams of becoming a beautiful poet- but upon an unfortunate series of events saw those dreams slashed and divided like a million stars in the night sky that I wished on over and over again- sparkling and broken. But I didn’t really mind because I knew that it takes getting everything you wanted and then losing it to know what freedom is. When the people that I used to know found out what I had been doing, and where I was living- they asked me why. But there’s no use in talking to people who have a home. They don’t know what it’s like to seek safety in other people, for home to be wherever you lie your head.””

- Part of Lana Del Rey’s special letter to her fans during the premiere of ”Ride” (via the-cannabis-queen)

tubuh yang familiar.

Sat, 10 Nov 2012 20:27:37 +0700

Cerpen yang ditulis pada sesi menulis Reading Lights Writers Circle 10 November 2012, tema romance, “Cinta datang karena terbiasa”.

Tuntutan sosial memang hal yang paling membingungkan untuk beberapa orang, termasuk Mikail. Mikail baru menyadari bahwa dengan usia, orang-orang di sekitarnya mulai mengharapkan macam-macam darinya. Harapan itu menjelma jadi pertanyaan. “Kapan cari kerja?” Mereka dulu bertanya selesai dia kuliah. Padahal Mika ingin rehat dulu. Tapi pertanyaan itu akhirnya terus merongrongnya dan membuatnya cepat-cepat mencari kerja agar berhenti ditanya. Ternyata pertanyaan itu seperti buntut cicak, dipotong, tumbuh lagi. Beberapa bulan berselang, pertanyaan baru muncul, “Kapan menikah?”. Kali ini Mikail menepuk kepalanya.
Dia mengerti keluarganya sudah ingin menimang bayi, tapi kali ini tuntutan mereka membuatnya pusing. Dia tidak pernah punya pacar, apalagi cari istri. Jauh. Sesuatu yang selalu dia hindari. Satu-satunya perempuan yang dekat dengannya cuma Tini, tetangganya sejak kecil. Tini tidak bisa dibilang cantik, tapi dia mungil dan pemalu, dan untuk beberapa orang, itu dinilai menggemaskan. Tapi tidak pernah ada apa-apa di antara dirinya dengan Tini. Mereka telah melewati masa kecil, masa remaja, dan masa dewasa bersama, tanpa rasa spesial di antara mereka. Mikail melihat laki-laki datang dan pergi dari rumah dan hidup Tini. Dia tidak pernah terlalu peduli, kecuali ketika Tini putus dan menangis meraung-raung di hadapannya, dan sesekali dia menawari Tini apa dia harus mendatangi laki-laki yang sudah menyakitinya itu. Tini biasanya menolak tawaran itu, tapi dia akan meminta Mikail untuk berpura-pura jadi pacar barunya kalau nanti mantannya datang lagi. Mikail menganggap permintaan itu kekanakan, tapi dia selalu menyanggupinya.
Hanya seperti itu hubungan mereka. Hubungan Mikail dengan perempuan lain jauh lebih parah dari itu; dia selalu kehilangan kepercayaan diri di depan perempuan, bicaranya jadi gelagapan dan keringat deras mengucur di kepalanya. Jadi dia sengaja menjauhkan diri dari kaum hawa daripada mempermalukan dirinya seperti itu.
Untuk pertanyaan kali ini, Mikail tidak percaya diri bahwa dia bisa memotongnya lagi.
Tapi lama-lama dia memperhatikan, bagaimana undangan-undangan pernikahan teman-teman kantornya berdatangan ke rumahnya. Bagaimana dia menyalami teman-temannya dan diberondongi pertanyaan yang sama, “Kamu kapan nyusul?”.
Mikail berlagak tidak peduli, tapi dia mulai resah. Bagaimana kalau dia tidak bisa menikah? Bagaimana kalau dia tidak bisa memberi keturunan untuk keluarganya? Kalaupun dia mau menikah, dengan siapa? Satu-satunya orang yang bisa membuatnya nyaman cuma Tini, itupun karena mereka sudah lama bersama.
Kali selanjutnya dia bertemu Tini, di suatu Sabtu sore ketika mereka sama-sama sedang bersantai di beranda rumah masing-masing, pikiran itu melintas di kepalanya. Dan entah kenapa keringat mulai mengucur di tubuhnya.
“Mikail? Apa kabar?” sapa Tini ketika mata mereka bertemu dari beranda masing-masing, yang hanya terpisah oleh dinding pendek. Tini juga jarang menyapa orang kecuali padanya; dia terlalu pemalu untuk menyapa orang-orang lewat. Dia sudah terbiasa pada Mikail seperti Mikail terbiasa pada Tini.
Mikail menemukan lidahnya kelu. Seperti seseorang membiusnya sampai dia kehilangan kontrol pada lisannya. Dia memaksakan diri untuk melambaikan tangan sebagai jawaban.
“Kenapa Mika? Kamu sakit ya?” Tini berjalan mendekat. “Sakit gigi?”
Mikail mengangguk cepat. Tini mengeluarkan suara oh pelan.
Agak aneh untuk melihat Tini seperti ini. Dia baru memerhatikan bahwa gadis itu sudah lebih tinggi dari yang diingatnya, rambutnya panjang, tubuhnya berlekuk. Rasanya baru kemarin mereka mandi bersama di kolam depan rumah, ketika tubuh mereka belum ada bentuknya.
Dan gadis ini satu-satunya perempuan yang bisa seramah itu padanya selain pada ibunya. Tapi kenapa pikiran itu membuatnya takut untuk mendekati Tini lebih jauh? Kedekatan yang aman dan familiar itu membuat mereka nyaman, kenapa harus merusaknya?
“Aku antar ke dokter gigi deh yuk. Lagi kosong juga nih,” ujarnya.
“Mak, maksudnya kamu nggak akan keluar sama pacar kamu?”
Tini terkekeh. “Aku nggak punya pacar, Mikail. Kan kamu pacar aku. Hahahahaha. Ingat nggak aku suka minta kamu jadi pacar-pacaran buat ngusir mantan aku?”
Mikail mengangguk. Entah kenapa perasaannya jadi berbeda sekarang mengingat fakta itu dulu.
“Yuk makanya, kita ke dokter gigi.”
“Kalau kita pergi, tapi nggak ke dokter gigi gimana Tin?”
Tini memandangnya tanpa berkedip. Tapi ternyata keringat yang keluar dari tubuh Mikail tidak sebanyak itu. Mata itu mata yang sudah dia hafal sejak mereka kecil. Mata itu tidak akan menyakitinya.

back.

Wed, 07 Nov 2012 23:02:11 +0700

How it feels to be back?

I still can’t believe I’m laying in the bed of my own room now. Several days ago, I was still at Ramelau mountain, the highest mountain in East Timor, with sore feet, but smiling face, along with 18 other teachers of SOLS 24/7. Several days ago, I was still surrounded by 600 people in the school, chatting with the students, going to classes, having simple lunch with the teachers from various countries, under the fierce sun of Dili. Several days ago, I still went to the beach, talking with my good friend, reading book. Several days ago, I still walked in the city side of Dili, in the unpaved street, small shops, flying dust. Several days ago, I still went to look for some woods for the school, I still tried to build the concrete for the bathroom of the school, I still tried to help the kitchen even though my cooking skill is almost non existent.

But several days ago, I still devoted my time to help people I never met before in my life. I still tried to prove to myself that I am capable of going out from my shell, and devoting myself for greater good. I didn’t care about the lack of comfort, I didn’t care about the absence of the mall or the car or the air conditioner. I was so amazed that I was surrounded by hundreds of people who work day by day just to improve the community, without any payment. Just to be a full human being, who can benefit people around them. My life orientation changed. The emptiness, the anger, I suffered before I left Indonesia, suddenly shifted to a powerful energy to try to help. To improve. Day by day.

Is it hard to come back?

I’m still adjusting. It’s not that comfortable to be back to the “normal”, hedonistic society. Not that I reject comfort. I embrace it. I just miss that feeling, of being needed, of doing something meaningful. I know I got my own country, I know I can do something for people around me here as well. I know I got life to take care of. I still got some ongoing project for the organization. But I miss them. I miss the students. I miss East Timor. I miss the discussions about life and purpose of life. I miss the teachers. I miss the “me” in East Timor.

I still try to take it in, all of these experiences. I try to make the best meaning out of it, to direct my life to certain favorable direction. I try to observe how it changes me, what I can do to keep it. Ideas are flying inside my head, of what I can do now, of what I should do in the long term.

All I know is, apart from this change of the environment, something inside me also changed, and I just have to get used to it.

Forward [INFO] Readers Club for Low Vision & Tuna Netra

Wed, 07 Nov 2012 22:42:08 +0700

Forward [INFO] Readers Club for Low Vision & Tuna Netra:

horehorere:

Berikut ini adalah salah satu note teman saya, Hasya yang berinisiatif membuat Readers Club. Buat yang berminat, silakan dibaca dan ikut berpartisipasi. Silakan :D Tulisan note aslinya bisa dilihat disini

Salam.

Dear teman-teman yang baik, beberapa waktu yang lalu, saya membuat status…

news from your friend in Dili.

Tue, 09 Oct 2012 12:40:00 +0700

Hello everyone,

How are you? I’m sorry for not updating my blog for a while. I know that I said to you all before I go that I might blog about my experience in Dili. Well, there is internet in the volunteer compound where I stay, but somehow my laptop can’t connect to the internet here. I just recently succeeded in doing so. My internet “writing movement” was limited to opening Twitter on my iPod and informing in scattered bits about what I experienced here.

But it doesn’t mean I didn’t write anything. I wrote journal for a lot of days, about my experience, my feeling, things I experience here. I don’t know if you’re up for 25 new posts all of sudden, I don’t think so. I even wrote several essays and a short story about rain. My goal, because I ended up not making a daily blog, is just to write article about SOLS for a magazine when I’m home or if the content is long enough, probably a book. But most likely an article. Because some things I experienced here are very personal :p It’s like a self journey, apart from the social work and the things I discover about East Timor.

So, what’s new? I now live in a volunteer compound, with 65 other volunteers and teachers. 10 meters from my room, there are student dorms, for boys and girls, where 400 students spend the night everyday, except in Saturday and Sunday. The volunteer compound is relatively nice place to live in, albeit very simple, just walls made of woods, zinc roof, marble tile, a two stories bed (I share room with 3 teachers), and a shared bathroom. Electricity, water, and internet is also available in suffice amount, although we have to share with other people and our consideration is needed without written rule. At least in my room. There are other rooms, which is sometimes relatively worse, with no tile, more people living in one room, and so on. But I don’t mind, really. The best things I experienced here, I experienced it outdoor, not in my room. I think people don’t mind as well. What we try to do here is bigger than the room.

The simplicity caused by the school’s low budget is also reflected in the class rooms. There are at least 16-20 classrooms, and they are all just consist of woods, zinc roof, no tile (just land and stones as the ground), and a blackboard. You can just see and hear what the people in other class are doing, due to the lacking of separating wall between the classes. But no one cares, they try to focus solely on the teacher in front of them. “Revolution in Education”, is the tagline of this organization. Free education for those who can’t pay for formal school. They don’t bug the governments, they just do what they can with what they have, which really inspired me. Many people coming out of SOLS, speaking good English in merely 3-4 months or less. The results speak more.

Anyway, the organization I volunteer in here is SOLS 24/7, abbreviation of Science of Life System 24/7. It’s an non governmental organization running in the area of education. They have branches in 5 country, East Timor, Laos, Malaysia, Japan, and Cambodia. They first started in Cambodia, a country with lowest education rate around Asia (or so I heard), and continued their expansion to East Timor (currently poorest country in South East Asia, or so I heard), and so on. Their aim is to develop underprivileged youth. The lessons provided here is mainly English teaching, computer, and character development.

They have two kinds of student. The first is full time student, which means they live in the school during weekdays and go home during weekend. The second is part time student, which means they just spend about 3 hours in school. They usually study in public school during the day or afternoon, or already work somewhere. A full time student once told me that to see who is full time student and who is part time student, is easy. Just look at the girl’s hair. If it’s cut short, then it’s most likely a full time student. And it does exist, apparently, a rule that if a girl wanna be a full time student, she gotta cut her hair short. I suppose it’s because of the limited amount of water they got in the organization per day, washing long hairs consume more amount of water. Some female students told me how they cried when they had to cut their hair. But they said, it’s for their future.

Anyway, so for full time student, they just have to pay $1 for food (breakfast, lunch, dinner, imagine) and accomodation everyday here, but they don’t have to pay anything for their education. It’s like $15 a month. For part time student, they have to pay for their education, $9 a month. But still, SOLS is their good option when they can’t continue to university due to financial difficulty. English and computer skills are basic required skills that companies demand the job applicants to possess. Which is also the students’ biggest motivation to study: to get better jobs and get out of poverty. I even encountered some unique stories of the students, how they got to know SOLS, and what happened before and after they joined SOLS. But that’ll be another blogpost.

SOLS has just been in East Timor for about 6 years, but it already got good reputation and popularity in the eyes of the citizen around here. When I first landed in the airport, and I handed a SOLS invitation letter to the immigration officer, the officer remarked, “Ah, teacher!”. And they treated me nicely. Apparently being a teacher in SOLS is something like street cred here haha. Later, everywhere I go, sometimes I bump into some students who will shout from the other end of the street, “Teacher! Teacher!”. I’m not even a teacher per se here, just a volunteer, but they treat me so nicely.

I have just been here for a month, and there are a lot of stories that I want to share. Things I see. I might will write more about it. To summarize in short paragraphs, I don’t know. So many details about the organization and my own experience that I want to share. But I’ll try to give some hints here.

It’s a challenge for me, for sure, to live with 600 people everyday. I was a hardcore loner back home, but here, I have to step up my skill in socializing and tolerating others’ presence around me. I live with Cambodians, Timorese, Spanish, and Malaysian people, and even with Australian, British, and Polish people too before. All under same roof, we have to work together, to interact in daily basis. I got my bad moment too, but most of the interactions are surprisingly delightful, and I learn to live like this. I learn to maintain good friendships with people with different backgrounds, even with the students. Me being a university graduate initially bothered them, but I keep telling the students that we’re all the same. I know that I might not go this far if my parents can’t pay for me. They have it harder, and I appreciate their daily struggle for education. I remember about my time when I took my education for granted, I remember about people who don’t even use their time to study well in uni while some people just can dream about it at night. It’s crazy.

The teachers too.. They’re humanitarian fighters. The teachers get so little money for what they do, and they don’t care. All of them were once students of SOLS in their country, and now they serve back to give the community what SOLS has given them. They can teach for 8 hours a day for little payment every month, and they can cope with it because they enjoy it. They wanna be a full human being, who can bring benefits for others, who can step back from the race to get more money and start serving the community. Greater good. Bigger concern than their own selves.

And what impressed me here is also the character building. How they form the students, who might have given up under the bad financial condition, who just wasted their time before, to possess a hope, will, and discipline to achieve more in life. To be a better human being. I spoke to some students and they said the education here gave them direction, new purpose in life. Like that Rihanna song, probably, “We found love in a hopeless place”. I don’t know if it fits the context. Nevermind :p

And anyway, so it changes how I feel about education. I was a bit disappointed and cynical with the concept of education I saw back home, that left the students uninspired, just focused on grades. Education means so much more here, for the students and the teachers.

DAMN, this post is so damn serious. Sorry. Apart from that, I just get really tan! The weather here is so hot, but that doesn’t stop me and my good friends to walk and walk a lot around the town. So many people to meet, so many things to see. That’s how I get tan. I visit beaches every weekend, read for hours, or talk about random things with my good friend.

I assist the teachers to teach here. I help them in classes, interact with the students and help them learn as well. I can’t get a class on my own because I’m just here for two months :p So yeah. There’s also a program to enhance the English skills of the teachers, so they have to make essays. My assignment is to check like 5 teachers’ essays everyday. But I have a good time. Everyone is like a family here.

I try to learn Tetun, but I suck. I stuck in, “Dia kalai, maun/mana?” (like what’s up bro?), “bundia, butarde, bunoiti” (good morning, good afternoon, good night), “nia doben dia kalai?” (how’s your boyfriend/girlfriend doing?), and “KABOSU!” (cute! I usually shout this to the young, cute students).

There is, of course, more personal stories about what happened to me here, special relationships with some people, galau story about my ex who lives in similar city, students I like, etc. But I’m not sure I wanna share it hahahaha. One thing is Timorese has a thing for Indonesian girls. They think Indonesian girls are fair skinned and beautiful. I’m super average for Indonesian girl, but I got certain degree of popularity when I just came, haha. Like, being flirted by everyone :)) But now as I get tanner, the popularity decreases (told you it’s just the skin!), and I start forming more sincere relationships with people, apart from the color of the skin. I’m kidding. We’ve always been loving and sincere towards each other. I like them a lot. Their brown skin. In fact, the obsession on having white skin in Indonesia kills me. I think Timorese people are beautiful with their beautiful brown skin and awesome smiles.

Anyway, I have written too much. I gotta go for a class :) I wanna help them in a conversation class today. I learn how to teach too here! Which is awesome, because I thought the only thing I can train is a tamagochi.

I miss the beaches already. I hope weekend’s approaching soon!

“I want to be great, to develop East Timor.

I want to be loving, to establish love and unity.

I will always have, intelligence and discipline.

I want to become, a leader with character.

I will be a friend, of the poor and ignorance.”

-a part of the school anthem. Badass school anthem. I want to have this kind of school anthem back then!

ADDITION: SOLS also plans to expand to Indonesia. I think it might be good too. If you know which part of Indonesia needs this kind of education (and with a good possibility to get a space to build the school and the compound), let me know!

ADDITION: Pictures will come up soon!

learned.

Sat, 08 Sep 2012 10:05:50 +0700

Sepertinya saya belajar untuk menjadi dingin. Sepertinya saya belajar untuk kehilangan. Saya belajar bahwa setiap saya merasa dekat dengan seseorang, saya harus buru-buru membayangkan kalau dia pergi atau dia tidak ada lagi. Lalu saya harus membiasakan diri dengan perasaan kosong imajiner itu. Saya harus berakrab-akrab diri dengan perasaan kehilangan itu, sehingga saya tidak akan kaget lagi kalau perpisahan itu ternyata benar terjadi dan perasaan kosong itu datang.

Saya tidak akan terluka.

Aman.

Dekat.

Tapi berjarak.

Saya pikir dulu saya bisa lebih tulus dan terbuka. Saya ingat orang yang mengajarkan saya untuk menjadi seperti ini. Saya pikir dia juga diajari orang lain, dari hubungannya yang lalu. Dia mempercayai orang itu kemudian orang itu pergi. Kemudian dia terluka. Kemudian dia mengajari saya. Bagaimana menjadi dia. Bagaimana melindungi diri dari perasaan kehilangan.

Saya pikir dalam hubungan seperti itu, ada rantai-rantai tidak terlihat yang menghubungkan seseorang antara masa lalunya dengan dirinya yang sekarang. Dan rantai itu bisa mengikat orang yang bersamanya. Menariknya. Membuatnya jadi dirinya yang dulu.

Saya harap tidak semua orang belajar untuk menjadi dingin seperti itu. Seperti saya. Seperti dia. Tidak pernah benar-benar melemparkan diri pada oranglain. Tidak pernah jatuh.

Walau pada saat-saat tertentu, dua orang yang telah sama-sama belajar untuk menjadi dingin mungkin menemukan satu sama lain dan merasa nyaman dengan jarak-jarak yang mereka buat. Menurut mereka, begitulah hubungan yang baik.

Yang tidak akan meninggalkan rasa kehilangan ketika salah satunya tidak ada.

"And it came to me then. That we were wonderful traveling companions but in the end no more than..."

Thu, 30 Aug 2012 00:31:36 +0700

““And it came to me then. That we were wonderful traveling companions but in the end no more than lonely lumps of metal in their own separate orbits. From far off they look like beautiful shooting stars, but in reality they’re nothing more than prisons, where each of us is locked up alone, going nowhere. When the orbits of these two satellites of ours happened to cross paths, we could be together. Maybe even open our hearts to each other. But that was only for the briefest moment. In the next instant we’d be in absolute solitude. Until we burned up and became nothing.””

- — Haruki Murakami (Sputnik Sweetheart)

A quote that haunts me until now, as it is the thing that connects me to the past.

let the creative days begin.

Sun, 19 Aug 2012 22:38:51 +0700

Sometimes, apart from what I actually read from the books, I still wonder how people get certain idea. I recently just had a really weird idea for a story in my head, and it hasn’t gone away; it even grows even more and more solid in my mind. It was strange, I was just looking at my wallet, which couldn’t be closed for the piling stuff inside of it. So I started to take a look at each stuff inside my wallet. The money, the cards, the photos, the movie tickets, and just random stuff. And I started to think about how much we can know about someone just by looking at her wallet. That was basically what inspired me.

And now I think I’m pretty ready to write it down. I mean, I know I have to revise my already done novel first, but this story is kinda tempting to be written, hehe.

I’ve been pretty tense these last few months, for the thesis and everything. It’s pretty strange when I can feel a bit chilled out, when I can think about my stories freely. When I can have time to write and read.

I think this is it. Let the creative days begin.

Anyway! Are you thinking about any story right now? Has any weird idea come to your mind? Been growing til this very moment? Tell me tell me :)

thatwillbeallmisspotts: flakycake: dangerpro: Photographs:...

Sun, 19 Aug 2012 22:32:37 +0700

thatwillbeallmisspotts:

flakycake:

dangerpro:

Photographs: Tom Hussey

This is remarkably well done, I really like it.

These carry such an powerful message. When you see an old person you just think ‘oh, and old man or woman. Ugh, they’re so boring.’ These people are much more than what you see. They’ve had lives, they’ve done and accomplished many, many things. They’re not just some ‘old person’.

Very impressive concept. Now this is photography!

I love reblogging this when ever it shows up.

I nearly cried when I saw it.

unsent letter.

Sat, 18 Aug 2012 11:10:23 +0700

It was an old plan, you know that. It’s the last thing left from what we had. Everything diminishes completely except my will for myself. You know how much it means for me, and I hope you won’t ever try to find the connection between this and the personal bullshits we have left behind. Because you’re just a ghost to me now. And will always be.

The tweets before.

Sat, 18 Aug 2012 11:01:33 +0700

“I feel so happy, so light. Laying in bed, with afternoon light, Sarah Vaughan voice, and a promise for challenging future.”

“But if I can make it tomorrow, if they let me pass, the door will be open, I’ll go really far, do what I want to do. To be alive, free.”

“This is just my temporary home, while there are a lot of things to be explored and seen in the world. Things I can do for myself&others.”

“So after this, you might not see me much. I wouldn’t be in my house, couldn’t be reached in my number. But you’d know I’m well and safe.”

“You’d know I’m playing out there, somewhere far, and I might come home months after that, telling you new stories, new tales.”

“It’s the kind of life I’ve been longing for, and the opportunity is open, soon.”

the future

Sat, 18 Aug 2012 10:41:00 +0700

“I’m twenty two for a moment

She feels better than ever

And we’re on fire”

The lyrics from Five for Fighting’s 100 Years passes my mind as I’m writing this. I can’t believe I’ve finally arrived in this point in my life. Not in the most ideal conditions I hoped I would be in, but maybe this is the most perfect condition for me. I am 22 this moment, I have just graduated from college, I have published some books and plan to write even more, I am single and just went through bad breakup, and I have a lot of options in front of me.

The future, they said.

I have been asked several times since I graduated, “What’s your plan now?” or “So have you started applying for job?”. And god forsaken question I wish to never hear, “Do you plan to marry?”.

It’s funny. Because I have a different maps in mind, and I’m pretty sure even with this map, I’m a bit lost.

To me, the future is really something vague. I once planned it in a way, but you know life, it can make you rearrange your whole plan for the change in the situation. And no, looking for job, looking for a man to marry, and those conventional stuffs aren’t in there. Much to people disappointment. Maybe.

The exact plan I have for now is just to volunteer in East Timor for 3 months starting next month, hopefully. Why? They’ll say. Why would you do that? Why would you throw yourself to a country that’s famous for the difficulty to live in, just to teach under privileged kids you haven’t even met yet? What if they don’t like you? What if you get lost there, what if you don’t fit in there, and you can’t do anything? Why don’t you just apply for a job in Bandung, stay in your house, stay near your friends and family, instead of going that far, without sufficient way to communicate because texting is expensive and internet is rare there?

If you asked me two weeks ago, I’d answer that it was mounting boredom. I felt dead. I felt like there should be more to life than staying in uni, visiting the same place, being the same person, meeting the same people. I wanted to do more. I wanted to be useful. I wanted to explore what I’m capable of. I wanted to be more than what I was. All experiences do to you is they break you down each time, and you have to assemble yourself after that, to find that you’re someone new after that. I wanted to get that kind of major experience that could break me down to pieces so I could reassemble myself into someone new.

Still I feel that way?

I think so. I want to get the essence of life, I want to understand things, I want to resolve my own doubts about everything. And I think I can’t find it here.

I can’t just jump in to the “working” pool with this kind of state. I don’t want to trap myself. I know damn sure before I’m going to look for a job, or find someone to marry, I will have to find the answer I’m looking for. I have to stop being so confused and lost. And maybe I have to look in unusual places. I might be hurt. I might be disappointed. But at least I have to find out, and learn.

I don’t think I’m wasting my life just because I don’t follow people’s rules. Things work differently for me. And to me, the concept of future is so fluid, because I’m looking, and I can’t stop before I find something. It’s not goal after goal, it’s experience after experience you think you need to have. I know what I have to do to survive, and maybe I’ll go back to the line, one day. To work, to study. To do what others expect me to do. Or I might never do that. I don’t ask anyone to understand. It’s my future anyway. But expect one thing,

I can’t answer it for now. What kind of future I want. I’m lost. I’m looking. And I need to do something. I need to prove something to myself so I can stop being lost. To challenge myself. To give to other people. To improve myself. To then feel clear enough to make plans for the “future”.

I think some people don’t have liberty to do that, but I will do anything to be free. Au contraire to people’s belief, to me, freedom is not found in bended knee.

drown in thoughts.

Sun, 12 Aug 2012 00:51:25 +0700

Some things are bound to be left unspoken. The silent mistakes. The hidden cries. The subtle smiles.

Things will still happen to you even when people don’t know it. You just take it in. It’s hard for you to bear and you wish others were there, but sometimes they just can’t. And so you just take it in. And you try to understand. And you try to transform yourself. Maybe you’ll wake up one day being a giant vermont, maybe one day you’ll be a character of your own great novel, a masterpiece. You just ty to transform yourself into whatever needed by the situation. You learn about loss, you learn about hope, you learn about despair. You learn about surviving it all.

And sometimes it’s so noisy. You don’t remember what silence feels like because everything is always there, people try to intrude your space.

But one day you get it. The chance to get into yourself again. To take control of your thought instead of being swayed by problems and situations.

You get lost in your thoughts, you console yourself in movies. You think about everything you have missed. The beauty. The dream. The thrill of life. The things that mesmerize you before.

You get drown in your thoughts. In a good way.

just because

Sun, 12 Aug 2012 00:40:46 +0700

Just because you forget who I really am, doesn’t mean I have to forget myself as well.

Wanying hahahahaha

Thu, 12 Jul 2012 00:34:39 +0700

Wanying hahahahaha