Sepertinya saya belajar untuk menjadi dingin. Sepertinya saya belajar untuk kehilangan. Saya belajar bahwa setiap saya merasa dekat dengan seseorang, saya harus buru-buru membayangkan kalau dia pergi atau dia tidak ada lagi. Lalu saya harus membiasakan diri dengan perasaan kosong imajiner itu. Saya harus berakrab-akrab diri dengan perasaan kehilangan itu, sehingga saya tidak akan kaget lagi kalau perpisahan itu ternyata benar terjadi dan perasaan kosong itu datang.
Saya tidak akan terluka.
Saya pikir dulu saya bisa lebih tulus dan terbuka. Saya ingat orang yang mengajarkan saya untuk menjadi seperti ini. Saya pikir dia juga diajari orang lain, dari hubungannya yang lalu. Dia mempercayai orang itu kemudian orang itu pergi. Kemudian dia terluka. Kemudian dia mengajari saya. Bagaimana menjadi dia. Bagaimana melindungi diri dari perasaan kehilangan.
Saya pikir dalam hubungan seperti itu, ada rantai-rantai tidak terlihat yang menghubungkan seseorang antara masa lalunya dengan dirinya yang sekarang. Dan rantai itu bisa mengikat orang yang bersamanya. Menariknya. Membuatnya jadi dirinya yang dulu.
Saya harap tidak semua orang belajar untuk menjadi dingin seperti itu. Seperti saya. Seperti dia. Tidak pernah benar-benar melemparkan diri pada oranglain. Tidak pernah jatuh.
Walau pada saat-saat tertentu, dua orang yang telah sama-sama belajar untuk menjadi dingin mungkin menemukan satu sama lain dan merasa nyaman dengan jarak-jarak yang mereka buat. Menurut mereka, begitulah hubungan yang baik.
Yang tidak akan meninggalkan rasa kehilangan ketika salah satunya tidak ada.
— Haruki Murakami (Sputnik Sweetheart)
A quote that haunts me until now, as it is the thing that connects me to the past.
Sometimes, apart from what I actually read from the books, I still wonder how people get certain idea. I recently just had a really weird idea for a story in my head, and it hasn’t gone away; it even grows even more and more solid in my mind. It was strange, I was just looking at my wallet, which couldn’t be closed for the piling stuff inside of it. So I started to take a look at each stuff inside my wallet. The money, the cards, the photos, the movie tickets, and just random stuff. And I started to think about how much we can know about someone just by looking at her wallet. That was basically what inspired me.
And now I think I’m pretty ready to write it down. I mean, I know I have to revise my already done novel first, but this story is kinda tempting to be written, hehe.
I’ve been pretty tense these last few months, for the thesis and everything. It’s pretty strange when I can feel a bit chilled out, when I can think about my stories freely. When I can have time to write and read.
I think this is it. Let the creative days begin.
Anyway! Are you thinking about any story right now? Has any weird idea come to your mind? Been growing til this very moment? Tell me tell me :)
It was an old plan, you know that. It’s the last thing left from what we had. Everything diminishes completely except my will for myself. You know how much it means for me, and I hope you won’t ever try to find the connection between this and the personal bullshits we have left behind. Because you’re just a ghost to me now. And will always be.
“I feel so happy, so light. Laying in bed, with afternoon light, Sarah Vaughan voice, and a promise for challenging future.”
“But if I can make it tomorrow, if they let me pass, the door will be open, I’ll go really far, do what I want to do. To be alive, free.”
“This is just my temporary home, while there are a lot of things to be explored and seen in the world. Things I can do for myself&others.”
“So after this, you might not see me much. I wouldn’t be in my house, couldn’t be reached in my number. But you’d know I’m well and safe.”
“You’d know I’m playing out there, somewhere far, and I might come home months after that, telling you new stories, new tales.”
“It’s the kind of life I’ve been longing for, and the opportunity is open, soon.”
“I’m twenty two for a moment
She feels better than ever
And we’re on fire”
The lyrics from Five for Fighting’s 100 Years passes my mind as I’m writing this. I can’t believe I’ve finally arrived in this point in my life. Not in the most ideal conditions I hoped I would be in, but maybe this is the most perfect condition for me. I am 22 this moment, I have just graduated from college, I have published some books and plan to write even more, I am single and just went through bad breakup, and I have a lot of options in front of me.
The future, they said.
I have been asked several times since I graduated, “What’s your plan now?” or “So have you started applying for job?”. And god forsaken question I wish to never hear, “Do you plan to marry?”.
It’s funny. Because I have a different maps in mind, and I’m pretty sure even with this map, I’m a bit lost.
To me, the future is really something vague. I once planned it in a way, but you know life, it can make you rearrange your whole plan for the change in the situation. And no, looking for job, looking for a man to marry, and those conventional stuffs aren’t in there. Much to people disappointment. Maybe.
The exact plan I have for now is just to volunteer in East Timor for 3 months starting next month, hopefully. Why? They’ll say. Why would you do that? Why would you throw yourself to a country that’s famous for the difficulty to live in, just to teach under privileged kids you haven’t even met yet? What if they don’t like you? What if you get lost there, what if you don’t fit in there, and you can’t do anything? Why don’t you just apply for a job in Bandung, stay in your house, stay near your friends and family, instead of going that far, without sufficient way to communicate because texting is expensive and internet is rare there?
If you asked me two weeks ago, I’d answer that it was mounting boredom. I felt dead. I felt like there should be more to life than staying in uni, visiting the same place, being the same person, meeting the same people. I wanted to do more. I wanted to be useful. I wanted to explore what I’m capable of. I wanted to be more than what I was. All experiences do to you is they break you down each time, and you have to assemble yourself after that, to find that you’re someone new after that. I wanted to get that kind of major experience that could break me down to pieces so I could reassemble myself into someone new.
Still I feel that way?
I think so. I want to get the essence of life, I want to understand things, I want to resolve my own doubts about everything. And I think I can’t find it here.
I can’t just jump in to the “working” pool with this kind of state. I don’t want to trap myself. I know damn sure before I’m going to look for a job, or find someone to marry, I will have to find the answer I’m looking for. I have to stop being so confused and lost. And maybe I have to look in unusual places. I might be hurt. I might be disappointed. But at least I have to find out, and learn.
I don’t think I’m wasting my life just because I don’t follow people’s rules. Things work differently for me. And to me, the concept of future is so fluid, because I’m looking, and I can’t stop before I find something. It’s not goal after goal, it’s experience after experience you think you need to have. I know what I have to do to survive, and maybe I’ll go back to the line, one day. To work, to study. To do what others expect me to do. Or I might never do that. I don’t ask anyone to understand. It’s my future anyway. But expect one thing,
I can’t answer it for now. What kind of future I want. I’m lost. I’m looking. And I need to do something. I need to prove something to myself so I can stop being lost. To challenge myself. To give to other people. To improve myself. To then feel clear enough to make plans for the “future”.
I think some people don’t have liberty to do that, but I will do anything to be free. Au contraire to people’s belief, to me, freedom is not found in bended knee.
Some things are bound to be left unspoken. The silent mistakes. The hidden cries. The subtle smiles.
Things will still happen to you even when people don’t know it. You just take it in. It’s hard for you to bear and you wish others were there, but sometimes they just can’t. And so you just take it in. And you try to understand. And you try to transform yourself. Maybe you’ll wake up one day being a giant vermont, maybe one day you’ll be a character of your own great novel, a masterpiece. You just ty to transform yourself into whatever needed by the situation. You learn about loss, you learn about hope, you learn about despair. You learn about surviving it all.
And sometimes it’s so noisy. You don’t remember what silence feels like because everything is always there, people try to intrude your space.
But one day you get it. The chance to get into yourself again. To take control of your thought instead of being swayed by problems and situations.
You get lost in your thoughts, you console yourself in movies. You think about everything you have missed. The beauty. The dream. The thrill of life. The things that mesmerize you before.
You get drown in your thoughts. In a good way.
Just because you forget who I really am, doesn’t mean I have to forget myself as well.